Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
