She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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