if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
