Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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