She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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