A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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