Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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