everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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