I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
