I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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