Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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