I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
