your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
