i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
