i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
