im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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