What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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