he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
