I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
