Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
