Umm I'm too high to move.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
