theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
