it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
