I am in a vortex of obligation.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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