If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
