so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
where are my eyebrows?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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