I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
