girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
