It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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