Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
