btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Randomize
