so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
