dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
