and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
