oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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