Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
