this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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