Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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