tell your sister to shave her snatch
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
