how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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