The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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