There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
