the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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