I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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