Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
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