i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
