Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
