DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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