i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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