it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
