Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
