So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
