man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Randomize
