he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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