She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
