I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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