My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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