I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
