Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
